Socialising and performing fill me with intense anxiety. Why? The butterflies hold me back. It is frustrating to freeze up before I’ve even left the house, waking up full of dread before I’ve even had time to open my eyes. It’s exhausting. I face this every day.
There appears to be a duality within me. I want to be a charismatic and outgoing person. I want to reach out and bring happiness into people’s lives. Another part of me doesn’t understand people and worries constantly about how I say things, the tone of voice, and my gestures. I get bombarded by all the sights, sounds and smells of the world that it can be difficult to focus in on a particular thing and I cannot block it out. Being hypersensitive means my brain is always recording every detail of the day and doing all the sorting out at bedtime. This means I don’t get to sleep easily on my own. I over think about all the social interactions; did I make enough eye contact? Too much? Did I overshare something? How will I know if I’ve offended someone? Will they tell me or hold a grudge? All this, all day, every day.
So why do I continue to try despite it not really fitting in with this side of myself? Why do I get out of the house, drive to my various classes, interact with strangers and teach Tai Chi and Qigong?
It is hard
I am not going to lie, it is difficult running any sort of activity. Always keeping an eye out on everyone, making sure nobody injures themselves and enjoys it at the same time. Trying to remember everybody’s name as I found out that it helps people stay in classes.
I try harder
Just because I have Autism and the difficulties I face doesn’t mean I am not going to strive to be the best human being I can possibly can. Overcoming challenges mean putting yourself into challenging situations. There are two types of people with disability; those who give up, and those who push themselves. I am the latter, despite how exhausting it is.
I love it
I love helping people, I want to see people smile and if I am the one to bring out these beautiful smiles then it makes me happy. I love Tai Chi and I want to share it and the benefits I have gotten from it. I also enjoy overcoming boundaries, looking back and recognising how much I have grown.
Do you do push yourself? Put yourself into challenging situations for your own development? Let me know!